December 5, 2012

The Grey Visitor

He comes in without invitation.
He has his own key, so quite often I don't even notice that he's been sitting around for quite some time.
Sometimes he's like an old, lousy friend
  No redeeming qualities,
  but he's been there to help me limp through so many years of shit...
  I just feel...
  when he's around 

But it's only a matter of time until he shows his true colors.

He whispers quiet, insidious lies in my ears.
So quiet, they sound like my own thoughts.
       They sound like reality.
"Your weakness is showing.  Everyone is going to see."
Shut up.
"They're going to catch on.  You can't keep up this facade forever."
I said shut up.
"Who do you think you are?  Some one..... worthy?"
"I mean, really.  What have you done to deserve ANYTHING?"

That's when his nastiness really shines.
I discover that he has snuck in when I wasn't looking.
Every day that I've triumphed because he wasn't there have faded.

I have no answer to give.
Nothing I've accomplished counts.
I have no value, no worth.
That lying, stealing asshole.

But I am onto him.  
I see him there, sitting in the corner
That fucking smug grey cloud.

I call him out for what he is.

He lies to me.
He steals my joy.
He tells me that everything is my fault.  But really, it's his.
He takes my fuel, and robs me of the ability to enact change in my life.

I may not be able to take his keys and lock him out forever.
But by god...
I will not listen to his lies.
I will not let him take my victories, no matter how small.

This is my house.  Sit down, and shut the fuck up.
My show is on.

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